Thursday, March 27, 2014
These past few weeks have absolutely flown by and I can't believe we leave for Cambodia in two days! It's been so crazy busy around here lately, it's probably a miracle that I'm not dead, or least mostly dead. I am exhausted in every way possible though. Physically, emotionally... just when I think I couldn't possibly give any more, more is required of me. God is the only reason I haven't cracked, the one thing keeping me together, I know that. But to be honest a tiny part of me blames him just a little bit. Sometimes I feel like he's just requiring far too much of me, more than I can humanly give.
I've been learning a lot these past few weeks, and God is showing me all sorts of amazing things. My understanding of worship was brought to a whole new level. It is awesome (in the true sense of the word) how holy and worthy God is of our whole hearted worship. I was struck by the scene in the throne room in Revelation 4. God is so holy and worthy, that creatures just kneel at his feet declaring it forever. Yet he still calls us to him, to speak to us, to have relationship with us. Which makes him even more worthy of our whole lives being spent in worship.
I also had new revelations about the Father Heart of God. Before that week, I honestly could have said that I was comfortable with viewing God as my Father, and I had no issues with that. I've been blessed with a wonderful earthly father who is a godly image for me. But that week of lectures blew that out of the water. Turns out I actually struggle with quite a few aspects of the Father Heart of God. And all my life decisions suddenly make sense. I've become aware of just how many lies the devil managed to sneak into my life, and it makes me so angry. The situations I could have avoided if I'd been believing God's truth about me all along! It is so important to expose the lies in your life and then to replace them with God's truth. I think one of the biggest lies that has affected me is believing that God does not enjoy giving me good things. He enjoys taking things away from me and making me miserable because he's petty and jealous that I haven't been paying enough attention to him. I need to rely on him completely and never have anyone in my life that I can rely on for long periods of time. I need to be content with only him and never desire any close human relationships.
THE TRUTH: God is my father and he loves me! He does not love to see me unhappy and wants to give me joy! He delights in giving me good things, and wants only the absolute best for me! He does want me to be close to him, but he knows that it is good for me to have relationships here on earth and wants me to have good ones!
These are truths I've had to be keeping constantly in mind, because last week God asked me to give something up. The one thing I didn't want to give up, the one thing I begged for him to allow me to keep. I straight up fought with God for weeks. And I still wasn't 100% convinced that it needed to happen... and then the time came and it happened and it was over. I was pretty miserable for about a week, feeling so empty. I knew it was the right thing for everyone involved, but I recall very few times that I've been in as much pain as now. It was hard not to blame God. I know in my heart that he wants the best for me and that this is the right path, but I still feel like I was forced into it. But it was ultimately my choice to follow him. And I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? - Romans 8:31-32
So, I'm just running towards God and trusting him to be faithful.
These past few weeks have absolutely flown by and I can't believe we leave for Cambodia in two days! It's been so crazy busy around here lately, it's probably a miracle that I'm not dead, or least mostly dead. I am exhausted in every way possible though. Physically, emotionally... just when I think I couldn't possibly give any more, more is required of me. God is the only reason I haven't cracked, the one thing keeping me together, I know that. But to be honest a tiny part of me blames him just a little bit. Sometimes I feel like he's just requiring far too much of me, more than I can humanly give.
I've been learning a lot these past few weeks, and God is showing me all sorts of amazing things. My understanding of worship was brought to a whole new level. It is awesome (in the true sense of the word) how holy and worthy God is of our whole hearted worship. I was struck by the scene in the throne room in Revelation 4. God is so holy and worthy, that creatures just kneel at his feet declaring it forever. Yet he still calls us to him, to speak to us, to have relationship with us. Which makes him even more worthy of our whole lives being spent in worship.
I also had new revelations about the Father Heart of God. Before that week, I honestly could have said that I was comfortable with viewing God as my Father, and I had no issues with that. I've been blessed with a wonderful earthly father who is a godly image for me. But that week of lectures blew that out of the water. Turns out I actually struggle with quite a few aspects of the Father Heart of God. And all my life decisions suddenly make sense. I've become aware of just how many lies the devil managed to sneak into my life, and it makes me so angry. The situations I could have avoided if I'd been believing God's truth about me all along! It is so important to expose the lies in your life and then to replace them with God's truth. I think one of the biggest lies that has affected me is believing that God does not enjoy giving me good things. He enjoys taking things away from me and making me miserable because he's petty and jealous that I haven't been paying enough attention to him. I need to rely on him completely and never have anyone in my life that I can rely on for long periods of time. I need to be content with only him and never desire any close human relationships.
THE TRUTH: God is my father and he loves me! He does not love to see me unhappy and wants to give me joy! He delights in giving me good things, and wants only the absolute best for me! He does want me to be close to him, but he knows that it is good for me to have relationships here on earth and wants me to have good ones!
These are truths I've had to be keeping constantly in mind, because last week God asked me to give something up. The one thing I didn't want to give up, the one thing I begged for him to allow me to keep. I straight up fought with God for weeks. And I still wasn't 100% convinced that it needed to happen... and then the time came and it happened and it was over. I was pretty miserable for about a week, feeling so empty. I knew it was the right thing for everyone involved, but I recall very few times that I've been in as much pain as now. It was hard not to blame God. I know in my heart that he wants the best for me and that this is the right path, but I still feel like I was forced into it. But it was ultimately my choice to follow him. And I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. - Matthew 6:33
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? - Romans 8:31-32
So, I'm just running towards God and trusting him to be faithful.
Hey Shea this is awesome to read. To see your new found dependence on God is just amazing. I encourage you to continue to hold onto the idea that God is everything and that worldly dependence disappoints. I've been talking to Jordan recently and it so encouraging to see God moving in your lives.
ReplyDelete-Sam