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New Year, New Beginnings

Starting over can be messy.  That’s exactly how I would describe my 2015 so far – messy.  Already this year has held a massive amount of heartbreak and change for me.  As I look back on all that’s passed, that’s really the first thing to come to mind.  How messy.  I have really made a mess of things.

Life doesn’t really seem to care how much I may have going in my life at once (and I will tell you right now, that I always have a lot going on – probably at least 1.5-2 times as much as is healthy for a normal person).  Life doesn’t care – in fact it seems to enjoy constantly throwing more and more things at me.  Very often those things come completely out of the blue.  Because being prepared for something would be cheating. 

As life threw new things at me, decisions needed to be made.  And as more and more things were thrown, my decision making ability decreased.  Rapidly.  Until it seemed that nearly every decision I made was the wrong one.  I was sinking deeper and deeper into this quagmire of my own creation.  And then, over one weekend, everything exploded.

I won’t get into the messy details here.  But I can say that despite all the pain these things brought, I am so thankful they happened.  I’ve learned (or been reminded of) some pretty important lessons.

1) I have the most beautiful and amazing and supportive friends.  You know who you are.  Extra special shout out to Olivia.  You are such an incredible woman of God and are such a blessing in my life.  Thank you for being there with hugs and words of encouragement and kicks-in-the-pants and movies and prayers.  I love you.

2) I am a super imperfect person.  Like, wow, can I screw stuff up good!  Really guys, you don’t even know.  My ability to make poor decisions is top notch.  But despite all that, God still loves me.  Incredibly, unbelievably much.  He knows all about me and all that I’ve done.  And that doesn’t change his love for me even a little bit.  I’ve been reading Song of Solomon lately, for a couple reasons.  1. I needed a laugh and “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead” will never not be funny, and 2. I needed to be reminded of what God thinks of me and how he feels about me.  He calls me beautiful and beloved.  I have stolen his heart.  He loves me so passionately.  It’s overwhelming.

3) God gives such good things.  I have been feeling pain and sadness...but amidst all that I have had such a profound sense of peace and joy.  And there’s no way I would be feeling these things if God wasn’t giving them to me.

Starting over can be messy.  Starting over can be painful.  But starting over can be so good.


As I’m setting out on this new beginning, I’m keeping my focus on God and making my relationship with him a priority.  We’re cleaning up my mess together and finding the beauty in the chaos.

...For love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.  Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. 
- Song of Solomon 8:6-7

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